Mrs. Pearson was right in the middle of explaining sentence structure when a man, presumably his father, walked into the classroom and explained to Mrs. Pearson that Otis needed to leave early that day. Otis was surprised. Early dismissal? What kid doesn’t love a reason to leave school early? Could it mean a doctor or dentist appointment? Could it mean an early start to vacation?  On this day it meant the worst thing possible. Otis didn’t return to school for a week. On the day he returned he found a stack of cards and letters we, his fourth grade classmates, had written with all the sensitivity and earnestness a 10 year old can comprehend. Some had drawings of flowers and rainbows, soccer balls and sunshine and some included words. I cannot recall what I wrote on mine but I do remember the silence that fell on the classroom when Otis walked in, looked at the cards and letters stacked on his desk and with bottom lip trembling managed to say “Thank you”.

Otis smiled a lot. You could say it was a goofy, unassuming and unwitting smile but it was almost always on his face. One day we were partnered up sharing a workbook. Unintentionally he had me in stitches. And you know how when you’re not supposed to laugh you laugh even harder and longer? Afterwards my friends teased Otis must now be my boyfriend to which I shrugged with annoyance.

I remember Otis’ mom coming to school one day. I remember her because unlike all the other fourth grade moms she was stunning. Impeccably dressed, beautiful and young.

After his mother’s death Otis rarely smiled. He kept mostly to himself and I couldn’t find the courage to say much of anything. Then one day Mrs. Pearson told us Otis moved away.

I wonder what ever became of Otis.

I love you
And sometimes I really mean it
I love you
I say it when I leave the house
I say it when we end a phone conversation
Just in case, I want my last words to be I love you
But sometimes
I see the trash cans at the curb
I smell the freshly brewed coffee
I hear your footsteps in the early morning, rising with the kids
I see the way you look at me
and in those times these three little words carry all their deserved weight
I love you

I walk in and put my backpack and coat away and make my way to my desk. Amy makes her way over to my desk and starts telling me about her weekend in excruciating detail, this is Amy and will be Amy through high school. Keri is talking to Mr. Sullivan about her lead role in the upcoming musical “The Pirates of Penzance” which Mr. Sullivan will be directing. Mr. Sullivan is my fifth grade teacher and also the Director of the Theater department. Running his fingers through his comb-over Mr. Sullivan thoughtfully regards Keri’s artistic decisions in playing Edith, the mischievous eldest sister. They share a laugh and Mr. Sullivan moves on to talk to Angie, she is one of my good friends and is blonde. Did I mention Keri is also blonde? Mr. Sullivan creepily teases Angie about her readiness to play one of the daughters in the ensemble. She doesn’t engage him like Keri does and with ego a little bruised he moves on. He never makes his way to my desk though, I am playing a daughter in the ensemble.

He calls the class to order and begins to engage in intellectual banter with his favorite students. When its obvious the other kids don’t get the “inside” humor, he smiles smugly to himself, pleased. In his class, if you don’t raise your hand and say “ooh ooh ooh” over and over then you don’t exist. All the smart kids will speak up and make themselves heard and those that are shyer must be dumb. We start working quietly on our assignments and Angie and I look at each other and chuckle as we overhear Kevin showing Mr. Sullivan a ream of printer paper covered with zeros and ones as Kevin hypothesizes on what his Commodore 64 might be trying to tell him.

The bell rings signaling the end of the day and I gather up what remains of my ego after its taken an ever so subtle beating, indistinguishable to the naked eye.

Best Friends Forever

Dear Eun Jung,

I’m sorry for stealing Robert. You were my best friend and I stole your crush. You confided in me and you told me your secret feelings for a guy I hardly noticed. You were slightly embarrassed because he wasn’t that cute and was kind of goofy but something about him made you like him. It took nerve to share it. You were brave. How could you have known that the moment you uttered his name you made him a person of interest putting him squarely in my radar? Suddenly I noticed the cuteness in his goofiness. He was tall and had broad shoulders, he was friendly and immediately receptive to my new interest. I would gain his attention for you, I would make sure he knew who you were, I would see if he liked you. So I smiled, I laughed at his jokes and I touched his arm. We all hung out and became friends. Perhaps because it faded naturally as crushes do or perhaps because you could see the mutual interest between he and I, you denounced your crush and moved on. We flirted and carried on for a few more months and then without ceremony my crush faded as well. And just as suddenly as Robert went from obscurity to the center of the universe he faded into the dusk.

Your friend,
Apologizing on behalf of Susan 1989

Hands down, without a doubt, the personal quality I cannot stand in others is cheapness. This bothered me when at the age of 13 I had a close friend who would count every nickle and dime and it continues to bother me today. It bothers me so much I almost have a sixth sense about it, if I start to sense this trait in a person it’ll immediately turn me off and although I may continue to be friends with them the friendship won’t go as deep.

The least favorite trait in myself? How ironic but the two are related. My least favorite trait is this notion of tit for tat. I keep score. I can’t help it, there’s no denying it’s my true nature but something I fight against everyday. If I treat a friend to dinner, the original intent is one of generosity, I want to treat my friend to dinner. But afterwards, if they never reciprocate this will bother me. So am I being bothered because they are “cheap” or because I’m keeping score?